Out of gas

I attended a funeral yesterday. I know no one likes to attend them they are full of depression and sadness. You attend them to help the process of grieving for family and close friends. The eulogies make me cry. The tears and suffering of loved ones gets to me the most. Knowing that there's nothing you can do to relieve their pain.

I start to think of my own situation. My brain cancer is advanced and statistics say I should have around 5 years of life expectancy, I am 2 years into this fight and to that, I say fuck you cancer. You can't take me that easily.

You become close to other cancer patients and thier families that you meet in waiting rooms. I get discouraged when I hear that someone I've met has lost their battle or has given up hope.

Fighting cancer isn't easy you know that every morning you wake-up. From the radiation to the chemotherapy and the handfuls of pills, that make you sick and tired. Some days are great and you feel good. Then you have weeks that you struggle to find the strength to climb out of bed. You have to find your reasons to get up and fight my wife, son, and family are mine. The ones that you don't want others to consoling in some dreary funeral parlor.

When my time has come I don't want to be placed in a casket for everyone to look in on and cry. I want a party, with all of my family and friends. This party will be held in a happy place so that you all can focus on the fun we had and good times we shared. Maybe a bar is the right place. So we can all share one more toast to life. No sadness just happiness please.

Scared

The doctors said the surgery was the way to see what was going on inside my brain. The neurosurgeon showed me my MRI scans showing me the 2 spots that he was most concerned about. One was the tumor the other was a cyst above the tumor. He said the he could drain the cyst and take a look at the tumor to see what could be removed. I asked what that meant and he explained that depending on the color tumor determines what he could remove safely without causing any damage to my brain. Apparently Tumors can be the same color as your brain... who knew? I knew something had to help me get back to some normalcy.

The  Surgery Day arrives early on a Friday morning. My mom and my sister came up from San Antonio and joined my wife in providing support.I get prepped in my lovely surgery clothes I hand out letters I had written in case the worst happens. The staff comes in and wheels my bed to the operation room. The last thing I remember thinking was me in place of the guy in The Operation game, the drugs kick in and I am out. The surgery lasted about 7 hours. When I woke I had all sorts of tubes and wires connected all over. A day later I was transferred to my own room from the ICU. I felt like I had slept forever, but I am sure it was just a few hours.

Monday comes and so does my surgeon he tells us that due to the location of the tumor and how deep it had grown into the brain he was only able to remove part  of the tumor. I would also need physical therapy to help regain use of my left leg and arm. He continued to tell us that the pathology reports showed that the tumor was malignant grade 3 tumor called an anaplastic astrocytoma or AA3 for short. Being told you have cancer is shocking. You don't know what to say so you fight back emotions you try and be strong because there is no time to be scared you have to fight for your life.

just the begining

I keep thinking back to the day, I knew nothing would ever be the same. It's a memory like a movie. It all started a year half ago May 23rd 2014 to be precise. My wife finally convinced me to go see a doctor after the limp I had kept getting worse. I would have to swing out my left leg just to walk. I google diagnosed my self because I am brilliant, and I was positive I had MS so that led us to a Neurology Dr. The doctor did a few test and asked some questions and said we needed an MRI ASAP. My better half had read a website that was about 7 steps to handle bad news the night before the appointment. So one of us was prepared for what was to come...or so i thought 

Standing at the counter to check out we were advised to come back at 5pm for the MRI. The nurse tells my wife that the doctor will call after he gets the MRI results but we should go home, pack a bag, and be ready to go to the hospital. Standing behind my wife at the nurses station I could tell by the look on the nurse's face that those 7 steps had gone out the window. My wife turned around her eyes swollen with tears. I remember holding her so tight trying to assure her that everything was going to be fine.

This wasn’t the afternoon we had planned. We had planned on going out to happy hour after the appointment but instead we rushing back to the house to pack a bag and plan for the uncertainty of the night. 

After packing an overnight bag we arrived back at the doctor's office for the MRI. After the 2 hour MRI and waiting for the results. The doctor calls with the results and tells that the MRI showed that I had sizeable mass on the right side of my brain. He tells us we need to go check in at Baylor ER. We met with several doctors in the ER that night, one of them a neurosurgeon who said with the size of the mass we need an operation as soon as possible. The next week was a blur calling family lots of testing and meeting with the surgeon and then the operation.